TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically recognized for ancient tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be tremendous. Incredible!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed within the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely from location. Designed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable drinking water. But Sure, certain, let's have Yet another place where American Guys can use robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While past negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: supply Anyone a collection around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly comfortable electric power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in each unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It is not that Trump Trump Tower Damascus shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It is that he really should quit using it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the task, replied, "You know, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping forms a large Trump head visible from House, a element remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after getting the building's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not just unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Confusing Attributes


Perhaps the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever visitors may well contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "In case you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Eternally."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "wherever's the nearest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is now attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll invest in a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level will likely include:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to discover a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel exactly where my PTSD may have turn-down assistance."


A further post from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Feelings within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It desired a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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